Sexual Self-Care Tips for Parents

Time is at a premium and everything is exhausting.

Is sex even still on the menu for parents right now?

Here’s the thing: We’re not going to add another “should” to your list. It’s very possible that your resources are just so tapped out that you don’t feel sexual at all, and that’s normal. If sexual pleasure and intimacy just feel like another chore right now, it’s okay to say no to it and prioritize other things in your limited “me” time like TV, games, reading, or frankly just sleeping.

But if you’re missing your sexy self, your private time with your partner, or simply the stress relief that comes from a good orgasm, then it’s important to make time for that too– it’s not selfish, frivolous, or disposable. Let’s help you find some sexy self-care to thrive better!

Finding Time and Space

Challenge #1: How even to get the privacy to get intimate with yourself or your partner when the kids are always around and needing supervision, especially at times when you’re not just ready to face-plant into your pillow? It may take a little creativity and re-thinking how you approach sexual pleasure, but it’s still possible.

• Take turns: If your partner is also home all the time, pick times when one of you can take over kid duty and send the other off for some solo fun. It can be easier to relax and enjoy when your “job” for the next 30-60 minutes is masturbation! Draw out the benefits later at bedtime by telling each other about your fantasies, your orgasms, or what you did.
• Short is beautiful: If long lovemaking sessions are rare-to-impossible, embrace the quickie! Naptimes, bedtimes, shower times, kids-are-absorbed-in-cartoon-times– all of these are potential windows for furtive liaisons. The rush of the taboo, or of not even getting fully undressed, could even make it hotter.
• Strategize with siestas: If you have to restrict yourself to when the kids are in bed, use the “taking turns” method to let each other grab a nap during the day so that both of you have the energy to either stay up a little later at night or set an earlier alarm for nookie.
• Use your pods: Depending on your risk tolerance and your proximity to close friends or family, lean on the “pod” or “bubble” of people with whom you can have more extended contact to ask for child care (or trade it) and get some more extended private time. If you don’t have one, consider whether there’s anyone nearby with whom you could negotiate that kind of arrangement. It’s not something everyone can do, but if you have it, don’t feel bad about using it for some sexual stress relief.

Technology Is Your Ally

It’s the 21st century, and technology exists everywhere to make our lives easier– including when it comes to sex! Here are some ways to use your devices for sexytimes as a parent:

• Secret messages: You don’t have to be able to hide out to sext your partner! You can even be in the same room flirting madly with each other while the kids do school or play, with them none the wiser. (Just make sure your screen is locked when not in use!)
• Vibrators to the rescue: Now is the perfect time to bring vibes front and center. They feel great on all bodies and in many places on bodies, and they’re an easy way to play even when one or both/all of you are too tired to do very much. Plus, most high-quality vibes are at least water-resistant and safe for the tub or shower, and manufacturers have gotten great at whisper-quiet vibes for discreet use. The Kip by Dame and the We-Vibe Melt are both great near-noiseless vibrators.
• Calendar mastery: Polyamorous folks have long known the price-beyond-rubies value of using shared Google calendars to track date nights and who’s with whom– so much that it’s a common joke about being the touchstone of the ethically non-monogamous. But there’s a reason why: Plotting your intimate time into a shared calendar prioritizes it, keeps you from forgetting about it, and gives you a delicious reminder of joy to come every time you see it. (You can also make it a “task” instead of an appointment, if you’re the type to get satisfaction from checking things off a list!)
• Eye candy: Being able to view porn on your phone or tablet makes for easy in-bed “movie time” that can be really sexy. If you’ve never watched porn together before, don’t be embarrassed. It’s a normal thing to enjoy and a safe way to explore wild fantasies. And if you search for ethically-produced and feminist porn, you can feel good about watching something made in safe, sexy conditions with performers who were fairly paid and well-treated.

Outsmarting Curiosity

It’s every parent’s struggle: How to keep curious and sometimes downright nosy kids from discovering sex toys or condoms or flat out walking in on you? There’s a lot of pressure for parents to hide your sexuality from your children, and of course you want to shield them from anything inappropriate or confusing. However, it’s healthy for kids to grow up seeing parents who love each other and are affectionate, and to understand that their parents need private time together. You can protect your kids without behaving like sex is something shameful or dangerous.

• The key to privacy: If you can’t trust your kids not to investigate “Mommy’s private drawer/shelf”, a toolbox, medicine “vault” box, or even a suitcase or briefcase with a key lock or combination gives you a secure, easily-available stash space that can go under your bed or in a closet. A toolbox has the advantage of an easier-to-clean metal interior, too.
• Discreet charging: Many high-quality toys have rechargeable batteries that need to be plugged in from time to time. How to keep your toys juiced without leaving them out on the nightstand? We recommend using a surge protector with a long cord to give you reach, and a plastic under-the-bed bin with small holes drilled or cut in one side to thread charger cords through. Set your toys up in there before bed, and you can probably even have them put away in the morning before the kids are awake.
• Keeping it hush-hush: Worried about making too much noise? You can certainly make it sexy to try to have sex in silence, but that isn’t always realistic. You can temporarily dampen sound coming from your room by hanging a heavy blanket or curtain over your door, using draft stoppers to block gaps at the bottom of the door, putting on music or white noise inside the room, and/or keeping the volume up on the TV or other sound outside the room.
• Clean it up: Masturbating in the shower or bath, or having shower sex, might be your best chance for uninterrupted “plausible deniability” sex if you feel safe locking the door. Kids can understand privacy while bathing, and running water offers some sound cover for noise.
• Don’t sweat it: Every parent, it seems, has their story of kids walking in on them or blowing up Daddy’s “balloons” or carrying a vibrator into a family gathering in the living room. If something happens and your kids see something they shouldn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t panic or punish them. Explain calmly that there are some of your things that they aren’t allowed to touch, or ask them what they saw/heard and if it scared them. Check out this Today’s Parent guide to talking to your kids about sex in an age-appropriate way to help you navigate the conversation and answer their questions in a way they can understand.

Prioritizing Time for You

It can be really hard to convince yourself that your own self-care, especially sexual self-care, is important when you’re overwhelmed with working, dealing with schooling, & keeping your home running. It’s normal to feel guilty about wanting time to yourself, or fed up and frustrated with life and ready to walk off into the sunset.

But your reserves are not endless, and they need to be replenished. Sometimes, it’s all you can do just to get the sleep and food you need to survive, and that’s fine. However, we’d like to end this common idea that for parents (especially mothers), “self-care” is bathing or putting on clean clothes or going to the toilet by yourself. Self-care isn’t just basic hygiene or staying alive. Just as your kids need love, laughter, cuddling, and imaginative play in addition to naps and meals and potty breaks, you also need and deserve joy, pleasure, touch, and intimacy.

When you take time to really indulge in pleasure alone or with your partner(s)– whether that’s masturbating, trading massages, partnered sex, snuggling, or having a date night– you’re not being selfish. You’re giving yourself the care you need to endure this long haul. You’re putting on your own oxygen mask, treating yourself as worthy of love and care, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, and ensuring that you have the physical and emotional resources to keep being a great parent to your kids at a time when they need you to help make the world make sense to them and provide stability. We think you deserve that joy and pleasure and sexual health because it’s your birthright, but if it helps to know that you’re benefiting your family at the same time, enjoy waving goodbye to guilt!

How has your trying to balance family obligations with your sexual health and intimacy? We’d love to hear your stories, suggestions, and even your frustrations. Drop ’em in the comments!